What is going on? I feel that I'm sick of everything back home...I feel as if I'm long forgotten or something... I'm just a shadow of my past now... Maybe I should stray away? Maybe I shouldn't... Book out and not tell anyone back home...and book in without informing anyone...All they know,I'm in there...They wouldn't even know I'm back home.

Everytime,I'm back home...that someone I miss....she doesn't seem to exist... And why,do I have this feeling...that our connection is no longer there...Why am I having doubts about that someone... Intuition? I miss her and yeah..maybe she does miss me too but I can't be too sure about that.. Cuz I don't have that special feelings anymore...U guys ever have that feeling...when someone special says something simple yet amazing to ya..and ur heart began to skip...u know..that kinda feeling...well..I used to have that feeling...but now a days..I don't... Who am I to say all this..maybe she meant it...Hate me all u want...forget me if u want to...cuz to me...it seems that I no longer exist in u...

I might be going out in a while...Sick or not...I"m still going out..let it be...Who cares anyways..besides my family and close friends... I know..that some of u..might hate me for typing this out...but hey...this is MY BLOG...I type out..what I wanna type out... Jerk,asshole,butthead,pathetic bastard...whatever u call me...go ahead...

Tekong's my home now,I shall forget everything here....I'm one of the men of the Island of Tekong... That's my home..and singapore's my casual visiting point... So yeah...that's what I wanna say...

Hate me,Diss Me,Badmouth Me,do whatever u wanna do to me...I don't care..I don't mind...cuz I no longer exist...

Cheers!

Hey ho peeps...I'm back...actually...I was back yesterday...got an early book out cuz my status was Attend C... I got fever..a very high fever..and I wasn't feeling well... Checked my temperature..it was 39.1 at first...after that..it went down a li'l when I was at the Medical Centre...38.6...So I booked out early...10 plus in the mornin'...when my whole company..was suppose to book out at night..around 9:45... I felt bad..I felt as if I don't earn that book out...And most real..I missed my IMT lessons...(IMT..some marksmanship training..it's like a game but ur holding onto a real M-16 rifle...but ur shooting at some digital targets upfront)...I hope that the guys don't mind me goin' back home earlier than them...

When I got home,my head seem to be heavier than how it felt before I got home...I was shivering cuz it felt kinda cold..and I was so fuckin' dizzy....so I slept..the whole day yesterday...

My previous book out..was kinda fun...It would have been more fun if B was around... Went to the gig in Guiness Theatre...Watched Elisabelle's Tears play...they were fuckin' awesome..accept that the fact..they were a bit off....I guess they were kinda high...after drinking before their show...but they were...fantastic... Got free entry thanks to one of the malaysian bands guy... After that..we head down to Boat Quey area...well..not exactly at Boat Quey itself but the seats opposite the river... LIstening to all the different techno beats,hip hop beats and some other beats...we laughed..we had fun.. and most real...we played Truth Or Dare... That was insane! Dzafir,Sofyn,Azri,p|uGGy,D'Omar & Fidah...Before that,Khus was with us but he met his friends later at Jamz 2000... Had lots of laughter and some crazy shit...it was fun... Went back around 3 plus in the morning that day...

As for today...I ain't got any idea of what to do..I'm sick..most probably..I might not be out...but then again,with my stubborness...I might just go out... By then,everyone would get sick because of me...Buahahaha! Today's New Year's Eve...What the heck...why do people make it a big "HOO-HA" just because the number changes from 2003 to 2004... Every year..the same old shit. Everytime I make a new year's resolution...none of them was achieved...So..fuck it...If I get a li'l better...I might go out today.. let's just see how it goes...

Tomorrow's my book in day...8 pm...Wow..long book out... Well,gotta take my medicine...so..take care u guys...I'll be writing in again...Peace!

CHEERS!

"Memories of that day,simply got into my head when we were having fun...Good memories...Thanks for everything."

Damn..it's nice to be home again...although that it had only been...almost two weeks but being in there..(Tekong)...a day...can be like 2 years... start off the day in the morning..5:45...bla bla bla..do this..do that...training..excercise...when ur all tired and stuff..lookin' up in the sky..thinkin' it's like 3 or 4 plus in the afternoon but when I look at the clock..it reads "10:42am"...it's like..fuckin' hell...time goes...so fuckin' slow in there. When I first came in,I know no one in there...well.except for some..even that...they're not in the same platoon as I am. Lost and not knowing of what to do,I follow the instructions given. Got my platoon,got my company...and lastly..my section...

Echo Company (Easy Company,hehe),Platoon 1... Section 4.. Got my bunk,got to know the guys..and fuckin' hell..most of my bunkmates..are jokers...non stop laughin'... Even at lights off...the laughin' continues... WIthin 3 days..we're like brothers..from strangers to brothers... Showing signs of care,unity.. Takin' care of one another when one fails..or have no motivation. It's great,great to be there...somehow.

1st night,I slept like a pig,I don't know why...maybe I'm used to being away from home...hehe..But about four days later I began to miss home...Missed my slackin' days...missed the guys at home... Althought it's only a small distance across the sea...it sure does feel as if I'm far away from home. Each night...I thought of everyone,my band..my family..pluggy...irma..#emo kids and most of the time..I thought about Nina. It's been some time since I last hear from her... Missing her the most. I drew somethin' in my notebook during my weapon handling lecture...I drew some sort of a graffiti artwork spelling out her full name and beside it..the back half of a vespa... Cuz,the vespa,reminds me of her. I hope she's doing fine,I hope she do think about me...Maybe she is thinking of me..it's just that I don't know...

MOst of the time,at night,I would just lay there on the bed..thinking of the times I had with the boys and sometimes..I laughed alone...DIlah,Sammy,Fad,Inn,Ik,Suhayl....THe usual bunch whom I hangout with when it comes to #emo kids... But like what Azri told...Tekong is tekong and Singapore is Singapore...don't bring ur Singapore problems into Tekong..simply focus on what ur suppose to do in tekong that's what I did and somehow...it keeps my mind off things for a while...

There's lots of tales to tell,although it's like a 1 week experience in there... but I'm feeling lazy to type it out. To everyone who's reading this...I miss u guys! And I simply wished...that I would stay a slacker all day..without havin' to go to NS...*sigh*...

Once again, to Shammie...Happy Birthday! Ur 17 now! HAPPY BIRTHDAY SHAMMIE!!

Take care...I shall type in again...someday...

P.S. I'm missing u,it seems that we're drifting apart...I still love u...

"Left..your left..your
left right...ECHO!!...left right...PLATOON 1!!...left right...WARRIORS!"

Hey A...whoever u are..thanks for the tag...I suck and I'm ugly?? hmm...Yeah..I agree..I suck..I suck in everything..and I AM ugly...but it doesn't bother u right? So why say out? Whatever it is...I agree with ya.

Anyways, today's my last day as a civilian before I transform into a soldier... I'm at B's place right now where I type out my last few blog. Waitin' for Tweet to come back cuz he sent Mon to work. He's going to shave off my hair for me...Nice...And B went for a run...keepin' fit ey? I'll be hangin' out with the bunch and gonna have fun before I go in.

About me & Nina...we're done for...as a couple that is but we sure ain't done as a friend. Glad I didn't lose her even as a friend. I gotta agree with her that we might not go anywhere even if we're together. I gotta learn to accept the fact that...it's impossible and I gotta learn to let go of things. All good things,do come to an end some day. It's nobody's fault that this happened...It just happened. If it was meant to be,someday...she would come back but for now...friends it is. Somehow, this is like how me & p|uGGY was... I'm sure I'll be okay...for now, like what a few of my friends said...keep my mind on NS. I'm sure gonna miss her and I'm sure I'm going to miss everyone else that I've been hangin' out with. Bye bye freedom... Hello authority.

I'll make sure I have fun with the bunch later on... Shit! I still got a few more items to get...God damn it! Toiletries (however u spell out that word) and some stuff... And damn,gotta wear briefs...instead of boxers. Been wearin' boxers all these while! After hangin' lose for some time...having that "Someone-Is-Cupping-Ur-Balls" feeling would feel weird,but it's for my own good I guess. Gotta buy those later...if I have enough money..

Allright peeps,I guess that this might be my last entry before I type in again...in 2 or 3 weeks time. Gonna miss u guys...and to those who had been there for me in anyway...I'd like to say thanks again.

"Chalet" Tekong...HERE I COME!!!

"Anda telah menangi ticket pelancongan ke PULAU...TEKONG!! Untuk selama dua minggu. Anda akan menikmati pemandangan laut dan juga pantai Changi dari bilik mewah anda di Chalet Tekong. Makanan & minuman akan disediakan pada tiap tiap waktu makan. Bukan itu sahaja, anda juga boleh menikmati "Health Fitness" oleh instructor instructor terhandal di sana. Tidak perlu bimbang mengenai wang kerana...semuanya di situ...FOC!!! Tahniah!"

I'm so happy!!! Was not at the beginning of the day! But I am now...Get to talk to her and all... It was all a misunderstanding...and I remember what Shammie said before...Blogs...can destroy friendships or relationships...Which is..true...

To all of u who reads my blog...It ain't Nina's fault...It all boils back down to me! I just realized that when we were talkin' to one another. I put in things without thinking...and she became the victim... Please...don't see her as the guilty one..I am. But anyways..that's besides the point here! The main thing is...that she made my day just now.. Talkin' to her was something I couldn't describe!

We laughed,we talk..we talked crap...and simply..be happy... She totally changed the whole day into something I'm happy about! I'm back to normal! The cure is here...she is the cure! I learnt something...she thought me...Do not..assume things! Never...

One more day peeps...NS WILL SOON BE HERE!! Oh wait...I WILL B IN NS...hmm...whatever..TEKONG! HERE I COME!! hahahaha....So yeah..one more day to slack and get my things and to pack up my bag..hahaha....last minute shithead..that's me...Tomorrow..SHAVED HEAD!!! WOO HOO!!! I'm going to shave my head before going in...

.:: I'm still loving u...always had been...and I know u do...My feelings was right!! I LOVE YOU!!! ::.

| Lost | Confused | Clueless | Hurt | Sad | Downed | NS | Tekong | 1 Day Left | Good Bye | Thanks |
|Everyone | Missing | Someone | Friends | Best Friends | Thanks Again | Escaping | Sleepless Nights |
|Endless Tears Each Night | Lost Again | Confused | Not Knowing Own Mistake | Why? | A Test? |
|Moved On? | Alone | Singlehood | Happiness? | Sadness? | Time Will Tell |

Got a call from her... Was glad to hear her voice again. She was out with her friends,raya outing. Well,at least I'm glad to know there's something to keep her mind off things for a while. I've been home,nothin' to do besides the game to keep my mind off. I fell asleep just now while my brother was using the comp. When I woke up,I went out,saw my bro finished using the comp and it was her messaging me. I was lookin' forward for her to message me again,but she didn't.

A few seconds later,she called my handphone,I rushed to it...cuz I was cleanin' the plate. Well,of course I was happy to hear her...but somehow,something was different. I felt cold...very cold...The way she talks,the way she says things...and the way I talk as well.. It's like,first meet all over again. I wasn't talking to her like how I did before..all crappy and bubbly...I was just..nervous... And I don't know why she talks to me in a weird way. Why do I feel cold?

She said she sent me a mail...I have yet to read...although it ain't here,maybe something went wrong... Whatever it is,I just hope...that the mail,ain't something that would bring me down or something... NS's coming up soon... Real soon...

"It's all a test,given by god...A challenge,an obstacle that I have to go through. Problems I have to solve...A test of patience,faith,trust and believe...That's how I see this one... Time will tell..."

Hey...how's everybody's doin'? I'm sure u guys are fine...and i'm sure some of u are not. Yesterday's outing,wasn't as great as how I would imagined it would be. Wasn't as happy and bubbly like how I am always. Started off the day...with that phone call I wrote about yesterday and I think,typing in that entry..was a mistake or something... Half of the raya outing,I was thinkin' of how she is and I'm worried of what's to become...

Heading to IK's place...received a call from her uncle which was cool cuz he totally speak in a nice way so I did the same. I was told not to bother her again...After that call,I don't know what to do and I was downed...again. It's funny how phone calls can change someone's feelings...just like that...a simple phone call can either make u feel good,happy or great...or it's the other way around,sad,angry,lost... The outing continues,and things was a li'l bit better cuz of the group,they crack up jokes and somehow distracted me from these thoughts for a while. While in Sammy's place the thoughts came back,thinking of what is to become of us.

As soon as we left Sammy's place..waiting for the bus at the bus-stop...Nina called me up. I was happy to hear her voice after the whole day of not hearing it...I was relieved. The next thing I got...was sad news... A news that she never meant to tell me..it's because..she have to. She was askin' me to let her go....I don't want to,she doesn't want to either...but she just had to. Since she entered my life,she had made my days pass with smiles stuck on my face. Thinking about her just makes me smile and be happy... As much as I don't want to let her go...I have no choice,I have to... I broke down,after what she told me. I sit away from the group for a while and cried in silence,I don't know what else to do,I have no choice...

Head down to Rab's place with those thoughts in my head...couldn't smile a li'l even though Dil,Sammy & IK was laughin' and crackin' up jokes that I..would usually laugh to... The guys wanted to jam after Rabia's place...so I decided to follow,maybe it would get it off my head...It did,jammed some stuff....put out the thoughts for a while... After jamming...it came back...Why?

Didn't went home last night...from 12 plus in the afternoon..till 1 plus today... From raya outing to jamming to staying the night at Suhayl's place.

"Will there ever be a chance for us to be together again? I know u still love me cuz I believe in u and I,for one...love u with all my heart. Please....please don't be a stranger,knowing u,being with u changed my normal boring days into days which I always look forward to. I want u to know...that in my heart,I'm still loving u....I love you,Nina Sarina. U'll always be that special angel given to me by god."

Looks like today's raya outing won't be fun afterall...Not only being the reason that it's less people...It's because..everything's ruined. My dream of having the chance to go out with my dearest for raya...gone. Just by one lousy call from her parents...Why must this happened? First thing I hear her mom,I put down the phone. The next thing I know,she called my home. Her mom talks to me about how I shouldn't date her just because I'm younger than her and she was sayin' about me..should only treat Nina as my sister...I mean,what fuck is that?! My brother married to my sister-in-law..who's like older than him..and my brother's friend..married to my auntie...who's younger than her! So what fuck is that? Does age really matter to her mom? It's love,when both fall in love with one another...should age be an issue? Amidst the conversation,I can hear some guy (Probably her dad) Shouting out stuff and all... I was kinda pissed hearing all that. So I voice out what I have to say,I asked her mom.."What did I ever do wrong to get all this? Why must u make it a big issue just because of our age difference?" She kept on sayin' that I somehow distracted her from her studies and all..."Tapi ni sudah jodoh cik...saya suka anak makcik" and her mom suddenly says..."Oh? Jodoh? Let me talk to ur mom...so u mean u want to marry her,is it?" In my mind..What the hell? I said fate..not wanting to get married..I mean..I would love to get married with her..but not now! I don't even have a fuckin' income! How would I support? I don't get it,seriously..I don't get it.

The phone was passed over to the guy (Once again,her dad..I think) and he was tellin' me...not to see Nina again..and I was loke..what the hell? So i said to him.."Look,don't mean to be rude..all I'm askin' is...Why be angry over such a small matter? Why are u so mad?..and he said.."Cik tak suka awak...awak kuranghajar." I mean..all I'm askin' was that?! And yeah,I raised my voice a li'l just because he raised his voice..first! After that..i said..."I don't mean to be rude"
He was saying about settling this...and he said he wants to meet me..the last time I got a phone call from that guy (maybe her dad,cuz I asked Nina,she said that her dad wouldn't be like that),He threatened me...He said..if I were to see her again...I'll get a bump on my head or something... WHY?! WHY MUST THIS HAPPENED?!?!

Just as I thought I found someone...well,I did...she loves me..and I love her...and we're new in this relationship..but something had to happen..why? Why must it always be that way?! When something goes smooth..shit happens?! WHY?! God..please..why?! Challenges in life..that I know.. But it hurts... So bad...

Called Irma right after the conversation...just needed to talk to someone..and Irma popped up in my head... I fuckin' cried after the conversation I had...Why must it be today?! Thanks irma for being there...

Raya outing...won't be like how I imagined yesterday...all nice and warm especially with ur loved one...looks like,the imagination..changed eh? Let's just hope...she would be there....

Ah yes...insanity! hahaha..madness of the mad mad shit...What the fuck I'm sayin'? That shows..I'm outta ideas of what to type in. Either I'm lazy...or...I'm lazy still...hmm..

Many days had past..since the day I last typed in. Many things happened....My angel..got a new handphone and a new line...so now..I can contact her..and that...is awesome! I can message her when I feel like telling her how I feel..can call her up and hear her natural mornin' voice which I find..sexy.... And it's easier for me to keep in touch! WOO HOO!! Most real...can talk to her longer now than before..heheh...I'm so happy!!!!

A few days back..or was it yesterday..stayed the night at B's place with Fir...hanged out and talked crap but as usual..B knocked out first...I stayed the night up with fir...talkin' crap..compose new tunes with the guitars... And wow...we got one new song done...minus lyrics of course. Stayed the whole night up till morning! WoW! Amazing...

Slept when I got home...and today...went out again in the evenin'...to Nuwul's open house...a bunch of people was there...Fattah & his friend,Lina & Azri,Mint,IK,Dilah and a few others that I don't recognize... Food was great...had laughter here and there... Took some shot though..and it might be up...

Dil and me planned up #emo's outing for today..but it seems..a lot of them can't make it...and I'm kinda dissapointed and felt a li'l bit fucked up...I mean..last week was great..nearly 20..and this week..only a handful..about 8 of us? maybe... Some of 'em,ain't got cash..some of 'em..gotta go weddings..open house..this and that..and well...Just as my Nina can go out with me for this year's raya...everyone's ain't around. I wished she was there last week...But what the hey...small bunch..small bunch...so what? We can still have fun! Maybe it shouldn't be called #emo raya outing ey? More like..BK Slackers' outing..cuz it's like...the bunch that hangs out at BK. Well,let's just see...how it goes...They're starting off the routine by heading down to my place first. So there u go... Can't wait to go out later...Matching up with my angel...in red! WOO HOO!!

Gotta wake up early today..send Dzafir off. He's going off to Aus for a month... So the band would be on hold for a while...

:-: #emo Raya Outing :-: 12:30pm @ Paya Lebar MRT Station :-: Baju Kurung :-:

Phew!~~ My days was whacked! Shagged and had lotsa fun!

Saturday - Ah...madness..the day of the outing..was so insane! hahaha.. Went out with the No Direction family plus a few others from #emo. Head out to a few houses but some houses we didn't get to take all the houses cuz we were so behind schedule. Firstly..I was late to meet the few others at Paya Lebar station..secondly...waited for some of 'em at Boon Lat station. A few joined in later with us. Altogether..there were roughly..around 20 people. It was all mad and fun! It was overall okay although we were behind schedule and there was a few detour in the plans in the middle that we had to split up into two groups..but after that..it was okay. Pictures will be uploaded in a while,so stay tune. After the whole outing...a few of us slacked at BK Century Square until about 2 plus in the mornin' and that was even crappier! hahahaha... insane stuff...Just look at the pics to get what I mean. And to all those whose houses that we visited...Thanks for everything..the food,the kuehs and the grest hospitality! Thanks once again. Lastly,I really wished that my Nina was there to join in the fun...wanted to share the madness so much with her.. but she had something to do. Perhaps next time?

Sunday - Went out with my relatives...and it was kecohrable also... My dad have all together 10 brothers and sisters..so it's like..there's uncles and aunties and my cousins..plus the cousin in laws...and everyone..It was madness! Got a lot of houses..PLUS..I have a few collection myself from the relatives... Heheheh(evil grin). After not being there to go family gathering and outing for like what? 4 years or 5 years? I've always been missin' when the whole family have this sorta gathering...My uncles and aunties was like sayin' how big I grew and how I looked different and my cousins sayin' that i'm a li'l different...hehe.. Well..people grow ey? Had lotsa laughs and lotsa fun with my cousins...Being able to catch up with things and havin' good laughs although at the first part of the trip..I was a li'l bit shy cuz u know..I've not been around and not seeing them..so it's kinda hard to start talkin' again but as we go along..things got back to how it was back then...when all of us are all so close. I have pics for the family outing too..although it ain't that much. And later at night..I went jammin' as soon as I got home from the outing... Jammin' was fine...sound was good,everything was okay...and I like the new song that we've composed.. Although it's a li'l bit confusin'...but we'll work it out.

Today - Crashed at B's place yesterday after jammin' and here I am..at home. Sleepin' at B's is like sleepin' in a hotel.. i mean..the air-con and the bed...yeah..heavenly! hahaha.. Sleepin' like mad. I'll be meetin' the rest in a while..say..about 4-ish or 5-ish. B's meetin' Sya...(Ooooo,Heheh) and later the rest will join in. Maybe,we might be catchin' a movie or somethin'. So yeah...I'm going off now cuz I wanna upload the pics.

Chiao!!