What is going on? I feel that I'm sick of everything back home...I feel as if I'm long forgotten or something... I'm just a shadow of my past now... Maybe I should stray away? Maybe I shouldn't... Book out and not tell anyone back home...and book in without informing anyone...All they know,I'm in there...They wouldn't even know I'm back home.

Everytime,I'm back home...that someone I miss....she doesn't seem to exist... And why,do I have this feeling...that our connection is no longer there...Why am I having doubts about that someone... Intuition? I miss her and yeah..maybe she does miss me too but I can't be too sure about that.. Cuz I don't have that special feelings anymore...U guys ever have that feeling...when someone special says something simple yet amazing to ya..and ur heart began to skip...u know..that kinda feeling...well..I used to have that feeling...but now a days..I don't... Who am I to say all this..maybe she meant it...Hate me all u want...forget me if u want to...cuz to me...it seems that I no longer exist in u...

I might be going out in a while...Sick or not...I"m still going out..let it be...Who cares anyways..besides my family and close friends... I know..that some of u..might hate me for typing this out...but hey...this is MY BLOG...I type out..what I wanna type out... Jerk,asshole,butthead,pathetic bastard...whatever u call me...go ahead...

Tekong's my home now,I shall forget everything here....I'm one of the men of the Island of Tekong... That's my home..and singapore's my casual visiting point... So yeah...that's what I wanna say...

Hate me,Diss Me,Badmouth Me,do whatever u wanna do to me...I don't care..I don't mind...cuz I no longer exist...

Cheers!

Hey ho peeps...I'm back...actually...I was back yesterday...got an early book out cuz my status was Attend C... I got fever..a very high fever..and I wasn't feeling well... Checked my temperature..it was 39.1 at first...after that..it went down a li'l when I was at the Medical Centre...38.6...So I booked out early...10 plus in the mornin'...when my whole company..was suppose to book out at night..around 9:45... I felt bad..I felt as if I don't earn that book out...And most real..I missed my IMT lessons...(IMT..some marksmanship training..it's like a game but ur holding onto a real M-16 rifle...but ur shooting at some digital targets upfront)...I hope that the guys don't mind me goin' back home earlier than them...

When I got home,my head seem to be heavier than how it felt before I got home...I was shivering cuz it felt kinda cold..and I was so fuckin' dizzy....so I slept..the whole day yesterday...

My previous book out..was kinda fun...It would have been more fun if B was around... Went to the gig in Guiness Theatre...Watched Elisabelle's Tears play...they were fuckin' awesome..accept that the fact..they were a bit off....I guess they were kinda high...after drinking before their show...but they were...fantastic... Got free entry thanks to one of the malaysian bands guy... After that..we head down to Boat Quey area...well..not exactly at Boat Quey itself but the seats opposite the river... LIstening to all the different techno beats,hip hop beats and some other beats...we laughed..we had fun.. and most real...we played Truth Or Dare... That was insane! Dzafir,Sofyn,Azri,p|uGGy,D'Omar & Fidah...Before that,Khus was with us but he met his friends later at Jamz 2000... Had lots of laughter and some crazy shit...it was fun... Went back around 3 plus in the morning that day...

As for today...I ain't got any idea of what to do..I'm sick..most probably..I might not be out...but then again,with my stubborness...I might just go out... By then,everyone would get sick because of me...Buahahaha! Today's New Year's Eve...What the heck...why do people make it a big "HOO-HA" just because the number changes from 2003 to 2004... Every year..the same old shit. Everytime I make a new year's resolution...none of them was achieved...So..fuck it...If I get a li'l better...I might go out today.. let's just see how it goes...

Tomorrow's my book in day...8 pm...Wow..long book out... Well,gotta take my medicine...so..take care u guys...I'll be writing in again...Peace!

CHEERS!

"Memories of that day,simply got into my head when we were having fun...Good memories...Thanks for everything."

Damn..it's nice to be home again...although that it had only been...almost two weeks but being in there..(Tekong)...a day...can be like 2 years... start off the day in the morning..5:45...bla bla bla..do this..do that...training..excercise...when ur all tired and stuff..lookin' up in the sky..thinkin' it's like 3 or 4 plus in the afternoon but when I look at the clock..it reads "10:42am"...it's like..fuckin' hell...time goes...so fuckin' slow in there. When I first came in,I know no one in there...well.except for some..even that...they're not in the same platoon as I am. Lost and not knowing of what to do,I follow the instructions given. Got my platoon,got my company...and lastly..my section...

Echo Company (Easy Company,hehe),Platoon 1... Section 4.. Got my bunk,got to know the guys..and fuckin' hell..most of my bunkmates..are jokers...non stop laughin'... Even at lights off...the laughin' continues... WIthin 3 days..we're like brothers..from strangers to brothers... Showing signs of care,unity.. Takin' care of one another when one fails..or have no motivation. It's great,great to be there...somehow.

1st night,I slept like a pig,I don't know why...maybe I'm used to being away from home...hehe..But about four days later I began to miss home...Missed my slackin' days...missed the guys at home... Althought it's only a small distance across the sea...it sure does feel as if I'm far away from home. Each night...I thought of everyone,my band..my family..pluggy...irma..#emo kids and most of the time..I thought about Nina. It's been some time since I last hear from her... Missing her the most. I drew somethin' in my notebook during my weapon handling lecture...I drew some sort of a graffiti artwork spelling out her full name and beside it..the back half of a vespa... Cuz,the vespa,reminds me of her. I hope she's doing fine,I hope she do think about me...Maybe she is thinking of me..it's just that I don't know...

MOst of the time,at night,I would just lay there on the bed..thinking of the times I had with the boys and sometimes..I laughed alone...DIlah,Sammy,Fad,Inn,Ik,Suhayl....THe usual bunch whom I hangout with when it comes to #emo kids... But like what Azri told...Tekong is tekong and Singapore is Singapore...don't bring ur Singapore problems into Tekong..simply focus on what ur suppose to do in tekong that's what I did and somehow...it keeps my mind off things for a while...

There's lots of tales to tell,although it's like a 1 week experience in there... but I'm feeling lazy to type it out. To everyone who's reading this...I miss u guys! And I simply wished...that I would stay a slacker all day..without havin' to go to NS...*sigh*...

Once again, to Shammie...Happy Birthday! Ur 17 now! HAPPY BIRTHDAY SHAMMIE!!

Take care...I shall type in again...someday...

P.S. I'm missing u,it seems that we're drifting apart...I still love u...

"Left..your left..your
left right...ECHO!!...left right...PLATOON 1!!...left right...WARRIORS!"

Hey A...whoever u are..thanks for the tag...I suck and I'm ugly?? hmm...Yeah..I agree..I suck..I suck in everything..and I AM ugly...but it doesn't bother u right? So why say out? Whatever it is...I agree with ya.

Anyways, today's my last day as a civilian before I transform into a soldier... I'm at B's place right now where I type out my last few blog. Waitin' for Tweet to come back cuz he sent Mon to work. He's going to shave off my hair for me...Nice...And B went for a run...keepin' fit ey? I'll be hangin' out with the bunch and gonna have fun before I go in.

About me & Nina...we're done for...as a couple that is but we sure ain't done as a friend. Glad I didn't lose her even as a friend. I gotta agree with her that we might not go anywhere even if we're together. I gotta learn to accept the fact that...it's impossible and I gotta learn to let go of things. All good things,do come to an end some day. It's nobody's fault that this happened...It just happened. If it was meant to be,someday...she would come back but for now...friends it is. Somehow, this is like how me & p|uGGY was... I'm sure I'll be okay...for now, like what a few of my friends said...keep my mind on NS. I'm sure gonna miss her and I'm sure I'm going to miss everyone else that I've been hangin' out with. Bye bye freedom... Hello authority.

I'll make sure I have fun with the bunch later on... Shit! I still got a few more items to get...God damn it! Toiletries (however u spell out that word) and some stuff... And damn,gotta wear briefs...instead of boxers. Been wearin' boxers all these while! After hangin' lose for some time...having that "Someone-Is-Cupping-Ur-Balls" feeling would feel weird,but it's for my own good I guess. Gotta buy those later...if I have enough money..

Allright peeps,I guess that this might be my last entry before I type in again...in 2 or 3 weeks time. Gonna miss u guys...and to those who had been there for me in anyway...I'd like to say thanks again.

"Chalet" Tekong...HERE I COME!!!

"Anda telah menangi ticket pelancongan ke PULAU...TEKONG!! Untuk selama dua minggu. Anda akan menikmati pemandangan laut dan juga pantai Changi dari bilik mewah anda di Chalet Tekong. Makanan & minuman akan disediakan pada tiap tiap waktu makan. Bukan itu sahaja, anda juga boleh menikmati "Health Fitness" oleh instructor instructor terhandal di sana. Tidak perlu bimbang mengenai wang kerana...semuanya di situ...FOC!!! Tahniah!"

I'm so happy!!! Was not at the beginning of the day! But I am now...Get to talk to her and all... It was all a misunderstanding...and I remember what Shammie said before...Blogs...can destroy friendships or relationships...Which is..true...

To all of u who reads my blog...It ain't Nina's fault...It all boils back down to me! I just realized that when we were talkin' to one another. I put in things without thinking...and she became the victim... Please...don't see her as the guilty one..I am. But anyways..that's besides the point here! The main thing is...that she made my day just now.. Talkin' to her was something I couldn't describe!

We laughed,we talk..we talked crap...and simply..be happy... She totally changed the whole day into something I'm happy about! I'm back to normal! The cure is here...she is the cure! I learnt something...she thought me...Do not..assume things! Never...

One more day peeps...NS WILL SOON BE HERE!! Oh wait...I WILL B IN NS...hmm...whatever..TEKONG! HERE I COME!! hahahaha....So yeah..one more day to slack and get my things and to pack up my bag..hahaha....last minute shithead..that's me...Tomorrow..SHAVED HEAD!!! WOO HOO!!! I'm going to shave my head before going in...

.:: I'm still loving u...always had been...and I know u do...My feelings was right!! I LOVE YOU!!! ::.

| Lost | Confused | Clueless | Hurt | Sad | Downed | NS | Tekong | 1 Day Left | Good Bye | Thanks |
|Everyone | Missing | Someone | Friends | Best Friends | Thanks Again | Escaping | Sleepless Nights |
|Endless Tears Each Night | Lost Again | Confused | Not Knowing Own Mistake | Why? | A Test? |
|Moved On? | Alone | Singlehood | Happiness? | Sadness? | Time Will Tell |

Got a call from her... Was glad to hear her voice again. She was out with her friends,raya outing. Well,at least I'm glad to know there's something to keep her mind off things for a while. I've been home,nothin' to do besides the game to keep my mind off. I fell asleep just now while my brother was using the comp. When I woke up,I went out,saw my bro finished using the comp and it was her messaging me. I was lookin' forward for her to message me again,but she didn't.

A few seconds later,she called my handphone,I rushed to it...cuz I was cleanin' the plate. Well,of course I was happy to hear her...but somehow,something was different. I felt cold...very cold...The way she talks,the way she says things...and the way I talk as well.. It's like,first meet all over again. I wasn't talking to her like how I did before..all crappy and bubbly...I was just..nervous... And I don't know why she talks to me in a weird way. Why do I feel cold?

She said she sent me a mail...I have yet to read...although it ain't here,maybe something went wrong... Whatever it is,I just hope...that the mail,ain't something that would bring me down or something... NS's coming up soon... Real soon...

"It's all a test,given by god...A challenge,an obstacle that I have to go through. Problems I have to solve...A test of patience,faith,trust and believe...That's how I see this one... Time will tell..."

Hey...how's everybody's doin'? I'm sure u guys are fine...and i'm sure some of u are not. Yesterday's outing,wasn't as great as how I would imagined it would be. Wasn't as happy and bubbly like how I am always. Started off the day...with that phone call I wrote about yesterday and I think,typing in that entry..was a mistake or something... Half of the raya outing,I was thinkin' of how she is and I'm worried of what's to become...

Heading to IK's place...received a call from her uncle which was cool cuz he totally speak in a nice way so I did the same. I was told not to bother her again...After that call,I don't know what to do and I was downed...again. It's funny how phone calls can change someone's feelings...just like that...a simple phone call can either make u feel good,happy or great...or it's the other way around,sad,angry,lost... The outing continues,and things was a li'l bit better cuz of the group,they crack up jokes and somehow distracted me from these thoughts for a while. While in Sammy's place the thoughts came back,thinking of what is to become of us.

As soon as we left Sammy's place..waiting for the bus at the bus-stop...Nina called me up. I was happy to hear her voice after the whole day of not hearing it...I was relieved. The next thing I got...was sad news... A news that she never meant to tell me..it's because..she have to. She was askin' me to let her go....I don't want to,she doesn't want to either...but she just had to. Since she entered my life,she had made my days pass with smiles stuck on my face. Thinking about her just makes me smile and be happy... As much as I don't want to let her go...I have no choice,I have to... I broke down,after what she told me. I sit away from the group for a while and cried in silence,I don't know what else to do,I have no choice...

Head down to Rab's place with those thoughts in my head...couldn't smile a li'l even though Dil,Sammy & IK was laughin' and crackin' up jokes that I..would usually laugh to... The guys wanted to jam after Rabia's place...so I decided to follow,maybe it would get it off my head...It did,jammed some stuff....put out the thoughts for a while... After jamming...it came back...Why?

Didn't went home last night...from 12 plus in the afternoon..till 1 plus today... From raya outing to jamming to staying the night at Suhayl's place.

"Will there ever be a chance for us to be together again? I know u still love me cuz I believe in u and I,for one...love u with all my heart. Please....please don't be a stranger,knowing u,being with u changed my normal boring days into days which I always look forward to. I want u to know...that in my heart,I'm still loving u....I love you,Nina Sarina. U'll always be that special angel given to me by god."

Looks like today's raya outing won't be fun afterall...Not only being the reason that it's less people...It's because..everything's ruined. My dream of having the chance to go out with my dearest for raya...gone. Just by one lousy call from her parents...Why must this happened? First thing I hear her mom,I put down the phone. The next thing I know,she called my home. Her mom talks to me about how I shouldn't date her just because I'm younger than her and she was sayin' about me..should only treat Nina as my sister...I mean,what fuck is that?! My brother married to my sister-in-law..who's like older than him..and my brother's friend..married to my auntie...who's younger than her! So what fuck is that? Does age really matter to her mom? It's love,when both fall in love with one another...should age be an issue? Amidst the conversation,I can hear some guy (Probably her dad) Shouting out stuff and all... I was kinda pissed hearing all that. So I voice out what I have to say,I asked her mom.."What did I ever do wrong to get all this? Why must u make it a big issue just because of our age difference?" She kept on sayin' that I somehow distracted her from her studies and all..."Tapi ni sudah jodoh cik...saya suka anak makcik" and her mom suddenly says..."Oh? Jodoh? Let me talk to ur mom...so u mean u want to marry her,is it?" In my mind..What the hell? I said fate..not wanting to get married..I mean..I would love to get married with her..but not now! I don't even have a fuckin' income! How would I support? I don't get it,seriously..I don't get it.

The phone was passed over to the guy (Once again,her dad..I think) and he was tellin' me...not to see Nina again..and I was loke..what the hell? So i said to him.."Look,don't mean to be rude..all I'm askin' is...Why be angry over such a small matter? Why are u so mad?..and he said.."Cik tak suka awak...awak kuranghajar." I mean..all I'm askin' was that?! And yeah,I raised my voice a li'l just because he raised his voice..first! After that..i said..."I don't mean to be rude"
He was saying about settling this...and he said he wants to meet me..the last time I got a phone call from that guy (maybe her dad,cuz I asked Nina,she said that her dad wouldn't be like that),He threatened me...He said..if I were to see her again...I'll get a bump on my head or something... WHY?! WHY MUST THIS HAPPENED?!?!

Just as I thought I found someone...well,I did...she loves me..and I love her...and we're new in this relationship..but something had to happen..why? Why must it always be that way?! When something goes smooth..shit happens?! WHY?! God..please..why?! Challenges in life..that I know.. But it hurts... So bad...

Called Irma right after the conversation...just needed to talk to someone..and Irma popped up in my head... I fuckin' cried after the conversation I had...Why must it be today?! Thanks irma for being there...

Raya outing...won't be like how I imagined yesterday...all nice and warm especially with ur loved one...looks like,the imagination..changed eh? Let's just hope...she would be there....

Ah yes...insanity! hahaha..madness of the mad mad shit...What the fuck I'm sayin'? That shows..I'm outta ideas of what to type in. Either I'm lazy...or...I'm lazy still...hmm..

Many days had past..since the day I last typed in. Many things happened....My angel..got a new handphone and a new line...so now..I can contact her..and that...is awesome! I can message her when I feel like telling her how I feel..can call her up and hear her natural mornin' voice which I find..sexy.... And it's easier for me to keep in touch! WOO HOO!! Most real...can talk to her longer now than before..heheh...I'm so happy!!!!

A few days back..or was it yesterday..stayed the night at B's place with Fir...hanged out and talked crap but as usual..B knocked out first...I stayed the night up with fir...talkin' crap..compose new tunes with the guitars... And wow...we got one new song done...minus lyrics of course. Stayed the whole night up till morning! WoW! Amazing...

Slept when I got home...and today...went out again in the evenin'...to Nuwul's open house...a bunch of people was there...Fattah & his friend,Lina & Azri,Mint,IK,Dilah and a few others that I don't recognize... Food was great...had laughter here and there... Took some shot though..and it might be up...

Dil and me planned up #emo's outing for today..but it seems..a lot of them can't make it...and I'm kinda dissapointed and felt a li'l bit fucked up...I mean..last week was great..nearly 20..and this week..only a handful..about 8 of us? maybe... Some of 'em,ain't got cash..some of 'em..gotta go weddings..open house..this and that..and well...Just as my Nina can go out with me for this year's raya...everyone's ain't around. I wished she was there last week...But what the hey...small bunch..small bunch...so what? We can still have fun! Maybe it shouldn't be called #emo raya outing ey? More like..BK Slackers' outing..cuz it's like...the bunch that hangs out at BK. Well,let's just see...how it goes...They're starting off the routine by heading down to my place first. So there u go... Can't wait to go out later...Matching up with my angel...in red! WOO HOO!!

Gotta wake up early today..send Dzafir off. He's going off to Aus for a month... So the band would be on hold for a while...

:-: #emo Raya Outing :-: 12:30pm @ Paya Lebar MRT Station :-: Baju Kurung :-:

Phew!~~ My days was whacked! Shagged and had lotsa fun!

Saturday - Ah...madness..the day of the outing..was so insane! hahaha.. Went out with the No Direction family plus a few others from #emo. Head out to a few houses but some houses we didn't get to take all the houses cuz we were so behind schedule. Firstly..I was late to meet the few others at Paya Lebar station..secondly...waited for some of 'em at Boon Lat station. A few joined in later with us. Altogether..there were roughly..around 20 people. It was all mad and fun! It was overall okay although we were behind schedule and there was a few detour in the plans in the middle that we had to split up into two groups..but after that..it was okay. Pictures will be uploaded in a while,so stay tune. After the whole outing...a few of us slacked at BK Century Square until about 2 plus in the mornin' and that was even crappier! hahahaha... insane stuff...Just look at the pics to get what I mean. And to all those whose houses that we visited...Thanks for everything..the food,the kuehs and the grest hospitality! Thanks once again. Lastly,I really wished that my Nina was there to join in the fun...wanted to share the madness so much with her.. but she had something to do. Perhaps next time?

Sunday - Went out with my relatives...and it was kecohrable also... My dad have all together 10 brothers and sisters..so it's like..there's uncles and aunties and my cousins..plus the cousin in laws...and everyone..It was madness! Got a lot of houses..PLUS..I have a few collection myself from the relatives... Heheheh(evil grin). After not being there to go family gathering and outing for like what? 4 years or 5 years? I've always been missin' when the whole family have this sorta gathering...My uncles and aunties was like sayin' how big I grew and how I looked different and my cousins sayin' that i'm a li'l different...hehe.. Well..people grow ey? Had lotsa laughs and lotsa fun with my cousins...Being able to catch up with things and havin' good laughs although at the first part of the trip..I was a li'l bit shy cuz u know..I've not been around and not seeing them..so it's kinda hard to start talkin' again but as we go along..things got back to how it was back then...when all of us are all so close. I have pics for the family outing too..although it ain't that much. And later at night..I went jammin' as soon as I got home from the outing... Jammin' was fine...sound was good,everything was okay...and I like the new song that we've composed.. Although it's a li'l bit confusin'...but we'll work it out.

Today - Crashed at B's place yesterday after jammin' and here I am..at home. Sleepin' at B's is like sleepin' in a hotel.. i mean..the air-con and the bed...yeah..heavenly! hahaha.. Sleepin' like mad. I'll be meetin' the rest in a while..say..about 4-ish or 5-ish. B's meetin' Sya...(Ooooo,Heheh) and later the rest will join in. Maybe,we might be catchin' a movie or somethin'. So yeah...I'm going off now cuz I wanna upload the pics.

Chiao!!

Friday - Ah yes...a special day for that special someone! It's her birthday and guess what...it happened to fall on the same day as my brother's birthday. hehehe..What a coincidence ey? Met up with my angel around 11 plus in the mornin' and damn..i was late again...hehe..I gotta do somethin' about my punctuality. Head down to Delifrance and ate breakfast there. Then head off to some void deck in Tamp just to hang out with her and chit chat and most real,it was a Friday...hahaha...And u guys should know what Friday is all about..Friday Prayers for us Muslims... And there I was,wearin' berms and casual wear while most of them wearin' baju kurung..headin' down to the mosque to pray..God damn.i felt bad somehow. Well,pretended to be some Nepalian guy who''s studyin' here...Hehehe...whenever a "Pakcik" pass by I would speak in nepalian accent... Hahaha...nina said that i don't sound like a malay...nor a nepalian..more like a philipino...hahahaha..

Sat down at the void deck..and I showed her the gift and she was happy. Although she doesn't say it but the way I look at her admiring her gift..well...she likes it allright. It was the best moment with her. Had fun,took pics chit chatted and had some Q&A session...She's the light of my life when it's dark... I love her and only her.

Later in the evenin',head out with my family to visit my grand-aunt in Yishun. Most real,when people do visitin'...they would sit down and chat and eat up the "kuehs" and all right? What I do? Well...reached there,sat down...ate some of the kuehs (There's like 10 different kinds,so I tried each of 'em) and after that...read a CLEO magazine and it was interesting...well..it's a girl magazine...but there's one page that caught my interest... Different positions to have sex every night for this month (It was a february issue..so there was 29 days) And I read some of it..it was insane...And well...interested in some way...After readin' it,I went to sleep in one of the unoccupied room. from 6 plus..I slept all the way to 11 plus at night. how cool is that? I mean,I'm on visitin' purpose here...and there I was..sleepin'..like as if I'm stayin' the night there or somethin'. What do u expect?! My cousins ain't there so i was alone...bored...sleepin' is best! HAHAHAH...okay..enough of Friday.

Today (Saturday) - Can't wait for later on...the big outin' with the band++...there's gonna be a few other people taggin' along..and I can't wait to wear my baju kurung with the rest of the group..hehe.. It's gonna be fun i guess...Wished she could join..but i understand her situation... So yeah...Raya kebaya maya laya taya! WOOT! Okay bye?

-= Lovin' u even more as each day passes =-

Allright folks..welcome back! Here's my update!

Thursday - Ah...the day I bought her the gift...B came over to my place earlier to play "Call Of Duty" And boy..he was really into the game. After that,set out to City Hall to rendezvous with Tweet. Went there in a cab thinkin' that we were late (well we were) and guess what? Almost lost my handphone! Fuckin' hell! How can I forget my phone? left it in the cab and luckily...thanks to B's phone...Called up my own phone... There was this girl who picked it up..and B asked her to pass on to the driver..so she did. So the uncle went back to the spot where he dropped us off and my guess is that,he was already away from where we were. Called him again and somehow,he sounded pissed..heheh..."Wait lah wait lah..I'll be comin'...I'm drivin' back..be there 10 mins". Guilt sets in... I was feelin' bad,I mean,if he was alone,it's okay..but got damn...he had a passenger...but it's my phone we're talkin' about here! he arrived around the time he said he would...and when I took the phone..I apologised to the driver and the passenger..and most real..the uncle gave me a smile..but it wasn't a pure smile somehow..it's like the "Oh-Please-Pay-Me-Cuz-I-Have-A-Passenger-And-I-Turn-Back-For-You" Kinda look... But heck..I just said sorry..and smiled..and walk away...

Head down to Penin...found the shop...and there it was...The Vespa model,just like what Inn told me. I saw the black one,wanted it so badly cuz that's the colour of her bike...but then,silver was the only colour left so i took it. And yeah...that was the gift-search day...

In the evening,had diiner with B's family at some restaurant in Siglap... B's mom blanja me and damn...it's always B's side that's blanja-ring me...insane! Someday,it would be my turn. After all those eatin'...head down to Mackerz in Haig Road...Slacked there and that is when Dil & Tweet joined us. Talked shit and stuff till late and both Tweet & B went off while Dil came out to my place (oh yes...he's one of those lucky guys that get to come up to my place...known him for almost 4 years..it's his first time comin' over to my place for a casual visit). Played "Call Of Duty" and had some mad fun showin' him the game. He hanged out till about 1 plus comin' to 2 in the mornin' and he was sent home! My bro volunteered! hahaha..insane...Dilah,got a free ride home that night!! Overall..had a good day...

Wow...Raya was yesterday... Well,here's my belated wish to everyone... SELAMAT HARI RAYA...Maaf Zahir & Batin. To everyone out there who's readin'...If I ever did wrong,or say anythin' in any way to hurt ur feelings...I hope that u could forgive me.

Monday - Not been typin' in for quite some time. Well..lotsa things had happened..passed two days. On Monday for example,was the last day of Geylang's Bazaar...and most real...This year would be the last year the bazaar would have the background of Geylang's Block 1 and the Geylang Market cuz by next year..it'll be gone,demolished by the government. Bought my baju kurung that night and boy....I hate walkin' in there... It's a fuckin' crowd...okay..it's something like a mosh pit..except that in this one..there's like...hundreds and hundreds of people in there... And it's like ur walkin' at 2cm/hr...and it's...THAT slow. Hanged out there till like 3 plus in the morning...Well..not literally in Geylang all the way...SOmehow,hanged out at Mon's area together with Tweet and Toyol. Before that,I was with Dil,Yan,Mint,Fad,Dzul,Inn,Sammy.. SOmehow,we went to play MOHAA. It was...well..kinda insane though...I have some pics for that day,I'll put it up soon.

Tuesday - Well,nothin' much happened...except that my brother came by with his family in the afternoon. Entertained them for a while...and God damn..my nephew..is so...god damn cute!! It was funny when we asked him not to move for a photo shoot...and guess what..he literally didn't move! Hahaha..simply froze himself up....Cute kid...Shukran's his name..and his older sister...Sofea...Later in the evenin'...went to visit..only one house and that was my auntie's...cuz my grandma was there (from my dad's side that is). It's been a long time since they've last seen me..and I really mean..LONG TIME.... My auntie was like sayin'..."Wah,wan dah lain eh sekarang...makin besar,makin tinggi...Kalau Cik Jah nampak wan kat luar,Cik Jah tak kenal" ..Meaning..That I looked different and if she were to see me outside..she wouldn't even recognize me... Insane.. And there we were,eating and chit chattin' at the dining table..Well..me and brother...we just sat there quietly while my mom,dad,grandma and auntie..chit chatted.. It's interested to hear their conversation...

My grandma was talkin' about my dad's family...he and his brothers (my uncles) were the last time when they were young. It was the good 'ol kampung days. Me and my brother,we simply laughed at their behaviours and with my grandma's way of talkin'...it was cute... Hehehe,sayin' about how my uncle was naughty the last time,always doin' stuff...It was funny,u had to be there to enjoy that conversation. Amidst the conversation they were havin'...I was havin' thoughts of my own. It's nice to think about...u know...things of the past...how it was. I was thinkin'...when I grow old..it is my turn to say our stories like that..and sharin' it with my grandkids... And maybe,it's their turn to enjoy and laugh it out. And the stories would live on...generations..after generations? Maybe? I was like thinkin'..."Wow...it's that interesting to listen to their stories..how they were back then,how the changes took place...food,culture,lifestyle...it was poor moments back then.." In later years...it would be my turn to do that... My grandma had lotsa stories to tell cuz my dad have like..10 siblings altogether..so yeah..it's a big family! Remember peeps...Share ur stories when ur old...cuz the new upcoming generations...would love to hear the stories of the past...

Today - I don't know what's the plan for today...Have no clue yet.. It's either,we go out or we stay at home and wait for people to come over. Chatted with my dearest...and it's nice to chat with her again! It's been two days! WOO HOO!! And her birthday's comin' up...I'm gettin' something for her...(Can't tell u guys..cuz she reads...hehe) Sorry dear...surprise...Love ya!

Can't wait for this Saturday's outing with the band...It's gonna be hectic and fun I hope...Everybody will be in their baju kurung...and lookin' at their best! Hehehe... I'll be takin' photos..so do look out for upcomin' pics..hehe...

For now..I'm off...CHEERS!

Yesterday...after bein' frustrated and all with my home...I went jammin'...It was a last minute thing and we jammed around evenin' time. It wasn't a good jammin' cuz it's like...I wasn't focused at all...My splits went off and my vocals totally off key...My mind was set on something else..Home..After jammin'...B,Tweet and Sofyn set off to town to meet up with Mon and Sya while Dzafir head down to bazaar to work and me...headin' home. While walkin' back home,I was thinkin' lotsa things about what I feel all this while.

I've been a bad son and all...being the reason maybe...I wasn't doin'..what they were askin' me to do. As i walk somemore..I was like saying to myself..."God,how did this happened? How did my family turned out this way?" Thoughts,questions...answers to look out for...can't seem to find it. Maybe it's right there in my face but I'm just to stubborn to see it. They may be here now..and I would be rebellious towards them..but what if they're no longer around? Silence will take over... No more shoutin' of my mom's voice..or my dad's lectures...or my grandma's naggin'... Soon it's all gonna be missed somehow. I should start doin' good from now...appreciate them while they're still around...love them..while I still have the chance to do so.. If I still have the chance to somehow,make them proud..I would and I will try...What more can I ask for? Why am I always complaining? They're givin' me all that a child would love to have... A home to stay (although it's not like any other homes),computer for me to play games or chat with friends,a handphone being paid by my dad...My mom's cookin'..my grandma's old stories and knowledge that she shares with me...money,clothes...everything...and I'm being such a bitch,most of the time. I should change...Been tryin' to...

Fastin' month is soon to be over...today's the last day...And raya's comin' up. Surveyed for my baju kurung and somehow..I got my size...in a shop where my friend works... I asked him to hold it for me till i have the dough by today(surveyed it yesterday)... Got a grey one in the end...

Many fasting months had pass every since I was born. From a baby,to a kid,to a teen and now I'm going into adulthood... Every morning,when i'm sleepin'..and if I'm sleepin'...I would wake up to this voice..."Wan,bangun wan..dah pukul lima dah ni...nanti terlepas sahur..cepat belum imsak ni.." And I would get a nudge from my grandma..and if I don't wake up..she would shout even louder just to irritate me but that's all for good. And most of the time...she would lie about the time just to make me wake up. She would say that it's 5 plus and it's close to imsak time when the actual fact is that..it's only like 4... I don't know how long more will that voice will always be around...no one knows except god... If she goes away,that particular voice which is somewhat a routine sound every fastin month will just be a thing of the past... A memory that will never be forgotten. I know,that I will cry hard if my grandma goes back "home"... She had always been there for me and thanks to her,I learn a few things...Things that not many people could teach or share about... If god allows it,I wish that she could spend few more fasting months and raya with us...

That's all I'll be writing about today...cheers!

"Treasure ur loved ones now,appreciate them cuz u'll never know just when...they might go...

WHY MUST THIS FUCKED UP THING HAPPENED?!?! I hate my life for now..I fuckin' hate my mom... Yeah,I know,she's my mom...but fuck..her stupid mentality is like a fuckin' 4 year old. Stupid mother of mine. I can go crazy with this home. Everything I do..EVERYTHING I DO is so god damn wrong! Never there was a right even though I did something right at times. Yes,I Disappointed my dad because of my studies but fuck!! I know I'm bad in my studies,I know I took most of his money cuz I wasted it on my incomplete studies. 12k,Who wouldn't be diappointed... And I stole 300 bucks from him the last time. I'm a fucked up child... God! How sometimes I wish someone else would take me in as their step son or something. I feel fucked up in my home! I really really..wished that it is NOW..that I go to Tekong...And maybe my life would be taken away when I'm there. Maybe my mind would be on my training and all. Or maybe..what's best..God might just take me away durin' training...Who knows?

Met Nina this morning and that somehow made my day...Seeing her smile and being able to be near to her...Just made my day...Even though it was just for a while. I'm glad she was there to make me smile a li'l. She had to go off cuz she had to fetch her maid home. I just wished that the moment that I had with her,just never ends...Wished I could just sit there with her till night fall. I'm glad I met her.

I disappointed my dad,I stole his 300 bucks...I spoilt some of his things,I quarrelled against my mom,fought with her before...shouted at my gradma,many times...and in total..I've said vulgarities in their faces god knows how many times. That's how bad I am towards my family. The only thing that u guys never knew...Something that I pretend...

Somehow,it's like as if my mom have something against me. She keeps saying about my brothers,how good they are in their studies..bla bla bla..FUCK THAT SHIT! I'm stupid in my studies,I ain't good on books. By nature,I'm stupid! If ur talkin' about talents...I have that...Musically..I have but why can't my mom see that. My dad is proud of me,the words he said to me made me cry when he was lacturing me the other time..."All those times u played in shows and when u jam...I know u have a goal in music...and when I saw u play in Esplanade..I was proud of u..." Those words of his..simply took me away... All this while,I didn't know that anyone in my family would be proud of me in what I do and my dad proved me wrong. That day,was one of the saddest moments I had...I disapointed him and yet..he was still proud of me... That is why I love my dad more than my mom although I don't really show it maybe cuz of my rebellious nature.

I'm sorry dad,I may not be a good son...and I may have disappointed u...but one day..I'll prove to u that I'll be someone...maybe not someone big or extraordinary..but I WILL be someone..that I'll promise u dad...

To all,do take care...

CHEERs!

I'm feelin' sooo fucked up right now. I'm pissed off..God knows why... Maybe because of my stupid home. Never liked it since things go bad. And I mean bad...u guys wouldn't know what kind of a home I'm livin' in but only to those who are close to me,would know what it's like... The definition of PIG STY...would come into mind...I can't help it..it's hopeless... I grew tired of it. Raya? What's that? I no longer know the true meaning of Raya. I grew sick of it since it's the same 'ol fuck every single fuckin' year! My home...IS A MESS!!! Only when it's raya..only then everyone starts being busy...BULLSHIT!

Just now,something bad happened...And fucked I feel bad..not because of my mom..but my dad. They were waitin' for me downstairs cuz they bought some stuff home. So I went down and I suddenly I was like.."Fuckin' hell,that's load of shit there!" Suddenly I was kinda angry...for no fuckin' reason why...Carried the stuff up...went into the house...I realize that thing used behind my ears for my specs went missing...And For no reason..my blood shot up again and I was pissed..So I went outside lookin' for that stupid thing..and when I went back inside..I sorta slammed the gate..and my dad's hand was there...I was really bad... I hurt him.. He was askin' me what's wrong and I didn't response and now...I'm feelin' fuckin' bad... And my mom,have to open up her fucked up mouth and say fucked up things that makes me feel like an asshole. I am...blame it on me mom...It's always me being the bad one..yeah I agree,That I'm fuckin' rebellious at home...unlike my other two brothers. U guys may see me smiling,and laughin' and doin' things that's always happy. But u guys,seriously have not seen the other side of me. If my blood point go over the maximum...that's it..I will no longer be myself anymore,I'll be that fucked up jerk that many would describe as...asshole...or whatever it is.

Many of u...MANY of u don't know this...all these while...it was just pretense...u guys are the ones that kept me up..that kept me smiling somehow..made me laugh and keep my mind off things...but after that..whenever I got home..things get fucked up again. That's how it has always been. HIdden under that mask of being the joker of the group...behind those mask,I'm just a low down,sad clown...Thanks everyone...

Maybe by seein' Nina tomorrow might cheer me up a li'l... I hope...

Wished that I could write in again...maybe I might be "Gone" for a while... Take care u guys! I'll see u,when I see u...

"Final" words....Cheers!

[ Music Blasting: American Football - Summer Ends ] [ Mood :-: Empty ]

Hey peeps...I know u guys must be wonderin'...where have I been? Well...it's like as if I'm dead inside. I don't know,it's like I feel as if,I have no life at all. My home,my family,my band,my girl...Thoughts everywhere...although they ain't that stressful but to me...it's makin' me empty. What I do everytime? I know I said that I hybernate durin' puasa...well..kinda true...other than that,I would go jamming...slackin'..or stay home sleepin'.. But one thing that I will always do without fail...missing that someone. Maybe it's kind of a down side for us at this moment. I'm hangin' on... No matter what...I'm hangin' on.

Her calls or messages these days...is like as if I'm a pirate who found his treasure...and really keep it safe and close to him...Every single call from her really really meant a lot to me. Cuz it's like,once in a while I get that. I guess that it will only be for now...Hey,who says that the sea is always calm huh? But I'm sure it will be okay after all of this... I really miss her,I miss her so much that I have visions of her sometimes...Thinking the girl in front of me is her when the real fact...it's not.

I've been hangin' out the past few days...Keepin' my mind off things most of the time. Hanged out with the band..hanged out with the boys of #emo... Just to keep mind off things at home.

Raya's comin' up and I still ain't got a Baju Kurung! It's only a week to go. God damn! Bernard got his shirt already...a nice..grey-ish /black-ish colour...Looks good on him and he got it for a cheap price of $19.90. That's insane! But too bad for me,there ain't a size...Why? WHY MUST THESE TAILORS...Make it small?! And the biggest size is like XL...and that size can't even fit me. Remember guys...being big has it disadvantages..and THIS..is one of 'em...Clothes. I'll be going out later on to meet up with Dil and Sammy. We're stayin' the night at Suhayl's place. WOO HOO!! His place is like...awesome. And one more thing..Suhayl's a damn good host.

Allright peeps..that's it for today...I'll right in..whenever I have thoughts..or simply,just wanna voice out. NS's comin' soon! By then,u guys will be seeing less of me...

HOA!

New pics are up! The World War II Toys are some of the toys that survived in my home while it's still in full contact... As in..everything is in place...Some of 'em..are unlucky..the casualties of war. These toys belongs to my bro...when he was young. So it's about 23 or 24 years old..they existed before I was even born! Cool toys! And there's new pics of me and the boys of #emo hangin' out and the jammin' session with First Chapter...

The thing about me and Nina...we're okay...And she called me...WOO HOO!! missed her so much! She had some stuff in her mind..so that's the reason why she can't call but all of that..has been cleared out. I'm meeting B in a while..to get our "baju kurung"... Then maybe hang out. My girl might be joining us this evening...Hopefully she will..cuz she have to go for some family dinner..and u know how it's like..eat..chit chat...makciks and pakciks..talk here talk there..hard to get out? Somethin' like that..So she ain't promising. around 9 pm...I'm meeting the boys to have some LAN gaming sessions...So..yeah...that's about it...

Sorry folks but I'm feelin' kinda lazy to type in...take care aight? till then..FAREWELL!

CHEERS!

Somethin's botherin' me and I have yet to find out the reason why. Not been feelin' good, thoughts runnin' through my mind. Have this "Things-Gone-Wrong" feelin'... Time will tell..

I've been stayin' home just now...and got out of the house at night to hang out at my void deck alone. I just needed the outside air. Sat down, listen to the songs in my MD as my mind boggled itself with thoughts... Smoke three sticks of cigarettes and went back up... And here I am,at home...again.

Went out with the boys on Tuesday...No Direction plus Sofyn and Jessie. Hanged out,talked crap..discussed about our CD layout and stuff with IK... Break fast together near my place...

Got a call earlier yesterday from Nina... But I was sleepin'! Always missin' her calls...because of my stupid sleepin' behaviour. She left me a message sayin' that she was in World Trade headin' off to Bintan or somethin' like that... And she said that she would call me back... I waited....waited...and waited...still have no calls. I need to find a day where she would be free...cuz I really need to talk to her and let things out on how I feel. Ain't got a clue...ain't...got a clue...

Whatever it is...I'm still hangin' on and my feelings is still strong for her... But,let's see how it goes...

Later on in the day,I'll be going out with the guys to Swee Lee...To check out some stuff. And later in the evenin'..I'll be jammin' with First Chapter... It's been a long time...

I have to cut this one short cuz I ain't got the mood to type out anything...cuz I'm feelin' empty for now...Take care my fellow bloggers!

Cheers!